My Journey!
This is the SHORT version of my experience of 2006. I will only be able to hit the highlights of what God has done in my heart and life. I will follow it with several teachings and short insights that are coming out of the way I now view God and His church. I welcome your feedback at jameshcoates@gmail.com
Things Were Well
Isa. 42:16 “And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not…”
In year 2006, I was the pastor at a small Full-Gospel church in Kentucky. My wife and I and our four small children were starting in ‘the dream’ that I had waited for, for nine years. Things were going well…we were meeting regularly in a storefront. We had a hand full of committed folks coming to the meetings and a few visitors from time to time. I had an Internet station on the air and getting hits from all over the world. I was also operating a recording studio in our facility. Needless to say, I was having a ball! We were involved in ‘nursing home’ ministry and number of other things that I considered ‘outreaches’ for the community. We were having a lot of great meetings. It seemed several people had committed themselves to Christ and several others had ‘deepened’ their lives through the Bible teaching and small group efforts. I really never thought things would change…but they did.
The Seed
Luke 8:5 “A sower went out to sow his seed…”
In February of 06, I attended a conference at a near by church. One speaker, who wasn’t one of the scheduled speakers, was asked to share a few words. He was a tall gentleman from Louisiana who was involved in the ‘house church’ movement. He only spoke a few minutes about who he was and what he felt like God was doing in the earth. He said several things about the church and how the church had drifted from New Testament structure and so on. I was agreeing right along with him. This brother made one statement in particular that totally caught me off guard and captured my full attention. He said, “If you really want to know what the problem is; I’ll tell you…WE ARE SITTING IN IT!” He began to talk about how the church (as we know it) was only a shell of what it started out to be. He talked about the Emperor Constantine and how he brought the people of God into buildings and out of their homes. He stated that a lot of what we do today (in church) has its roots in ‘paganism’. I remember punching my friend who was with me at the time and saying, “What on earth is he talking about?” He only talked about ten minutes. That was enough time to cause my head to swim and my heart to stir within me. If this guy was right, we are doing everything wrong, I thought. I spent the next few days talking with my wife about what the man had said. As the next few weeks passed, I placed the information in the back of my mind and went on doing all that I knew to do and all that I felt comfortable doing. After all, I was having some results.
Heart Wrenching Prayer
Jer. 33:3 “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.”
Long around April of that same year, we begin to meet on Sunday nights for prayer. I really felt that this was necessary for our church. I told our small congregation that God was stirring me to pray and to open the church to pray on Sunday nights. And so, we did. Week after week we would meet. Sometimes we would have ten or less that would come and seek the Lord about a variety of things. I remember asking God to ‘open my eyes’ and let me see Him. I begged God to reveal Himself to our church. I prayed the model prayer that Jesus taught us to pray. When I came to the part that says, “THY KINGDOM COME” I would weep before the Lord. I begged Him to show us the Kingdom of God in a greater way. Often times through out the day I would pray this way. From the very core of my being I would cry out to God to bring His change and bring His Kingdom. Working at our facility each day, I was able to take several prayer breaks through out the day. Little did I know God was going to answer my prayer in a way I never expected.
Questions and Questions
1 Cor. 2:10 “…for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.”
Around June of 06, we had purchased some 12 acres of land for the church to build on. All the time I was still praying this, what I call, Ps. 139 prayer. (Ps 139:23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.) Let me say right here, that this kind of praying is dangerous! I realize we all have different experiences with God, BUT I truly believe that God will rearrange our lives IF we REALLY mean these types of prayers. I went through a series of questions from the Holy Spirit. At first, I didn’t understand WHY the Lord was asking me these things. Some of the things in which I had heard in Feb.’s conference would come back to my mind. Day after day God would question me over and over about various things. I remember one Sunday morning in particular…several of us men met for prayer before we began our Sunday service. As I stood there, holding the hands of men that I deeply loved, the overwhelming question hit my mind and spirit, “Why are you doing this?” I was so shocked that God would ask me this AT THIS TIME that I couldn’t really even pray the way I wanted to. Why would God interrupt my prayer? I consulted my wife about the questions. Things would hit my mind like; “Why do you call me Lord?” “Why do you pray that way?” “Why do you read the Bible?” “Why do you teach/preach that way?” It seemed that I was being questioned about everything I was doing. I even told Joy (my wife) that I felt like I was going crazy. I was growing rapidly uncomfortable in most of what I was doing. This questioning went on thought June, July, and August of 2006. On August 22nd I decided to go on a 40 day fast to find out what was going on. I also shared with the congregation some of what I was going through and that I was starting a fast and desired their prayers.
The Sword
Mt 10:34 “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”
After three or four days of fasting and seeking the Lord, my wife called me at the church and asked me, “Well, what’s God saying?” “Have you heard anything?” I told her, NO. But, I also assured her that I believed that God would speak during the last half of the fast. I believed that the first 20 days would be a time of getting ME out of the way so that I would be able to hear His voice. I really don’t know WHY I believed this…I just did. Day after day I would seek His face. I would cry out to Him. At times it seemed that the heavens were closed off to me and other times it was like I could smell heaven. One Sunday morning, Sept. 10th, I arose around 6:15 or 6:30 to start my day. I was somewhat weak from fasting, but realized I had a long way to go. I peaked outside and noticed that the sun was up. I thought for a second about all the teaching and preaching I was to do on this day. I reached over to the chair next to our bed for my Bible. I had never done this before. Every other Sunday morning, I was up immediately at the sound of the alarm and in the shower. Maybe I was a little sluggish with the fast PLUS all the questions that flooded my mind, still. My Bible fell open to a passage that I had read many times. I had taught it and preached it a few times in my ministry. However, this time was different. My eyes fell on Matt. 10:32-39. When I came to the part that says, “I came not to send peace, but a sword” I felt a pain enter my body that caused me to toss my Bible back on the chair. My heart was hurting inside. I felt as though God had shoved a sharp sword all the way through me! There is no way in this Blog to describe what I felt. After tossing the Bible to the chair, I said, “What does THAT MEAN?” I went to the shower thinking about what had just happened. Soon, later, I arrived at the church. I was still shook up over the event. I kicked the power on from the fuse box to turn on the Internet station and to straighten up the sanctuary for the service. I sat down at my computer to check on the play list that was running. Then, I picked up a Bible that was on the counter top (which was a different Bible). As I opened it, I noticed that it dropped open to Matt. 10! My eyes fell on the exact portion of scripture as before! This time the pain was so great that I almost fell out of my chair. I knew God was speaking! What it meant, I didn’t know exactly, BUT He was speaking to me, directly! I raised my hands to heaven and thanked Him for it. Tears were running down my face as I worshipped Him. I knew I had to share this with the congregation. I had to tell them what had just happened to me!! What would they think? How would it affect them? What change was God bringing? What will be the result of the sword? It wasn’t till late that night that I realized this was my 20th day of fasting…the last half and God was speaking! Little did I know, this would be our last meeting together.
Being Misunderstood
Isa. 42:23 Who among you will give ear to this?
By this time I had a few others in my life that were feeling almost the same thing. As I shared my heart with one brother, our hearts connected immediately! It was so amazing how our stories were different, but in many ways they were almost the same. The Lord even lead us to west Tennessee where I found a whole village of people who had been through almost the same thing 20 years ago. Truly, God was shaking up certain people in my area. I couldn’t understand why everyone wasn’t feeling or experiencing the same thing. I would hear other people talk about the Lord and how they were asking Him to shake them and break them and remove anything in them that wasn’t of Him, but it seemed to be only good words and good talks. The more I shared my experience with people, the more I was being misunderstood. I think one of the hardest things to endure is being misunderstood. My wife was also shook inside. Its like, the sword that went through me also went through her. She had been questioning things for several months also, but was reluctant to say anything to me. I would share SOME with her, but not fully. God had brought His sword and now, everything was totally different. It was almost like my eyes were opened for the very first time. I was seeing a different angle of the Lord than before. I was having trouble using some of the same phrases as before. God was de-churching me, but I had NO WAY of sharing or communicating with hardly anyone. Friends and family would use the SAME words and couldn’t not see or hear what I was trying to say. I’m sure I looked and sounded like I had been deceived or something. I knew in my heart that God was showing us another side of Himself and of His church. I remember telling our congregation and others that ‘the diamond’ had shifted. It was like, all these years I had been looking at the Lord and the Gospel from this ONE viewpoint. And now, like a diamond, it had shifted and we were seeing a different cut. I can’t even begin to tell you the sleepless nights Joy and I went through. The hours of talking about what we were learning, but really had no way of sharing it because the more we talked to people, the more stupid we sounded and looked. We knew something was wrong with the whole church system. I remember thinking, if the way we do church is SO RIGHT and Biblical, why isn’t any of this mentioned in the Bible? After all, when you read about the first church in the book of Acts, where do you find: pews, Sunday school, classes, choirs, worship leaders, pulpits, sermon outlines, altars and altar calls, and even the building itself? I realized that MOST of what I had been involved in was un-biblical. I realized MOST of what we were taught and were teaching was BASED on the Bible, but not practiced in scripture. I remember asking myself the question…but what about all the good services we had been in? What about God’s presence we had felt in the past? Truly, God had blessed us. God looks on the heart of man. We were serving Him with all we knew and because of our love for Him and the motives of our hearts, He had blessed us. After all, he lets the rain fall on the just man’s property and the unjust man’s property. But, His blessing should NOT be a SIGN that He has His stamp of approval on ALL that we are doing. Joy and I didn’t want to hurt anyone through all of this. We love the congregation. We were friends and didn’t want to hurt or confuse any of them, but realized we had to try to communicate our feelings. That Sunday morning (Sept. 10th) I read the verses to the congregation. I opened up Sunday school by asking, “What are the chances of opening the Bible to the same portion TWICE using TWO different Bibles?” I read the passage and told them that change was coming. I read the passage again during the meeting that followed. As a matter of fact, the whole service was given to it. The meeting lasted about two and a half hours that day. This would be the last time (that particular group) would be together. We all knew something had changed. Two weeks from that day, we told the people that we were going to close. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
Even though we aren’t meeting at the storefront any longer, we are still great friends with most of the folks who attended. As of this date, Joy and I have been on this journey for twenty-two months, and the sword of God continues to cut in our lives. We aren’t really sure where the Lord will take us from here, but we are on a great, but painful journey!
shakennotstirred